A Beginner's Guide to Anal Sex: How to Prepare & Enjoy Your First Time

First time backdoor curious? Pull up a seat because we’re about to unlock the secrets of that sweet little taboo zone–no shame, all sensation. Whether you’ve got a penis and want to feel that deep, tight intensity, or you’ve got a vagina and you're craving a fresh plot twist in your pleasure story, welcome. Curiosity is the kinkiest foreplay.

People explore anal sex for all kinds of reasons: more pressure, new sensations, a spicier sex life, or just to flex that “I’m in charge of my body” energy. Every reason is valid. Every body is welcome.

That ring of muscle back there? Packed with nerve endings. With patience, presence, and proper touch, it can light up your whole system in ways missionary could never. And the benefits? For vagina-owners, anal play can send subtle ripples toward the G-spot: kind of like a back-alley shortcut to pleasure town. For penis-owners, we’re talking full-on prostate stimulation, the kind of release that makes the usual orgasm feel like an opening act.

So yeah, if you’re here to learn how to have anal sex that's pleasurable, safe, and actually exciting, you're exactly where you need to be. Let's get into this step-by-step guide, pleasure-forward, lube-heavy, and unapologetically hot.

1. Build the Damn Excitement (and Trust While You’re At It)

Anal sex only feels good when everyone involved is actually turned on by the idea–not just saying yes to be polite, or because someone saw it in a porno and got inspired mid-thrust. Nah. This is sacred booty business. And like all good things, it starts in the brain before it ever hits the body.

Some people fantasize about anal the way others dream about Paris. Others? Hard pass, no judgment. The difference? Vibe. You’ve gotta build anticipation like it’s a forbidden treasure hunt. The more arousal and emotional safety in the room, the hotter the experience gets.

And if you’re not already a little excited by the idea of something (a finger, a toy, a partner), going anywhere near your peach? Take a moment. You’ve got zero obligation. But if you're curious? Even a little turned on? That’s the spark worth following.

Start with a conversation. Yep, a real one. No hinting, no hoping your partner reads your mind while watching Netflix. Talk about what turns you on, what you’re nervous about, what boundaries you have, and what support you need to feel safe enough to let go.

Turn “Can we try anal?” into “Wanna explore something that could blow both our minds?”

Because the first thing that should enter your ass… is trust.

2. Timing (a.k.a. Don’t Rush the Rump) 

Listen, nothing kills a vibe faster than a questionable whiff of “oops.” Anal sex is intimate. It’s raw. And yes, it can get messy if you’re not tuned in to the details. So let’s make one thing crystal clear: cleanliness is foreplay.

Before anything gets near your booty, make sure both of you are feeling fresh and fabulous. Wondering how to prepare for anal sex? Suggest a steamy shower together. It’s functional and hot. Get all sudsy, tease a little, slip into some light foreplay while you're at it. Boom. Clean and connected.

No time for a full water ritual? Grab a baby wipe or warm cloth and make it a sexy little moment of care. Wipe each other down like you’re prepping royalty for a throne ceremony, because honestly, you are.

Create an environment where surrender feels safe and embarrassment doesn’t even get an invitation. Confidence is lubrication, babe. And nothing builds it faster than knowing you’re clean, respected, and ready.

3. Relaxation: Loosen the Body, Open the Door 

Anal play only works when the body says “yes.” Not “maybe,” not “okay I guess,” but a full, melted, inviting yes. You wouldn’t dive into someone’s heart without warming it up, so why would you rush the ass?

If your partner’s body is stiff or their mind’s on edge, don’t even think about going near penetration. Your mission is to help them soften, surrender, and slide into full-body “mmmmm” energy. Foreplay with actual intention is essential for first time anal sex. And you know what unlocks that? Foreplay with actual intention–not a quick grope and hope.

Start with a massage. Let your hands work the tension out of their shoulders, their back, their hips. Don’t even rush the lower body yet, take your time and make them melt.

Once the muscles start to go buttery, that’s your cue to wander closer to the booty. Stroke the thighs, tease the cheeks, kiss along the edges like you’re learning a language with your lips. Tongue? Optional but encouraged. Oral play, on the genitals or the anus, is one of the most intimate ways to build trust and connection. Bonus: saliva helps things slide.

Lubrication and intimacy go hand in hand. And when your partner feels relaxed, respected, and worshipped? That door opens like magic. No pushing, no pain, no panic.

4. Lube! Lube! And Then… More Lube. 

The anus is not a self-lubricating wonderland. It’s not gonna get wet just because you’re turned on, that’s a vagina’s job. So if you think a little spit is gonna cut it back there? Think again. We’re talking generous, glistening, slippery as hell levels of lube.

Wondering what's the best lube for anal sex? Let’s break it down like a lube sommelier:

• Water-based: Safe for condoms, perfect for silicone toys, and easy to clean off your sheets (and your thighs, and your dignity). A solid all-rounder if you're just getting started.
• Silicone-based: Slicker, longer-lasting, and practically made for marathon sessions. But here’s the catch. It can wreck your silicone toys, so unless you’re cool with melting your favorite dildo into a sad blob, don’t mix the two. Valm offers two types of silicone-based lube, including one specifically designed for anal sex.
• Oil-based: Thick, luxurious, and great for skin-on-skin. But if you’re using latex condoms? Abort mission. Oil breaks latex faster than a bad ex ruins a group vacation. Use oil-based lube only with non-latex barriers or skip the condom altogether only if that’s safely part of your dynamic.

Whatever you choose, go heavy. Then go heavier. You want so much lube it sounds like a macaroni pot every time you move. No shame. That’s just the sound of respect.

Trust me, your ass (or your partner’s) will thank you. 

5. Speed and Size: Start Small, Go Slow, Stay Sexy 

Listen up, overachievers. Anal sex is not a "go big or go home" situation. Your ass (or your partner's) isn’t a slip-n-slide waiting for a high-speed entrance. The anal sphincter is a tight, protective gate, not an automatic door and it needs time and trust to open. Think of it like a shy cat: gentle approach, soft voice, plenty of patience.

Start small. Like, single finger small. Let it rest on the entrance, breathe, massage the rim. Then slowly, slip it in. No rush. No force. Just a steady, sensual introduction. Let your partner breathe through it, moan through it, guide you through it. They know what feels good.

That first finger? Already a win. Stay there, stroke the inside wall, make it pleasurable, not just “tolerable.” Anal touch can feel amazing with the right energy.

Now, if you’re thinking long-term, like building up to a penis or a strap, think of it as training for a marathon. Wondering how to prep for anal sex? One finger today. Maybe two next week. Then a slim, beginner-friendly butt plug. Keep the sessions playful and pressure-free. Size can increase gradually as your partner learns how to receive with ease, not grit through it like a pelvic exam.

The goal here isn’t “take the whole thing.” The goal is make every step feel good. And baby, if it doesn’t feel good? You’re going too fast. Period.

6. Positions: Find the Sweet Spot, Not a Cirque du Soleil Move 

Here’s the golden rule: if the receiver isn’t relaxed, their booty won’t be either. Tension in the mind? Tension in the muscles. And trust me, anal and tension do not mix well.

Start with positions that naturally invite softness and surrender. Spooning is a classic: intimate, supportive, and perfect for whispering dirty encouragement in your partner’s ear, essential for comfortable first time anal sex.

Missionary also works wonders because it keeps eye contact in the mix and gives the receiver control to slow things down or speak up if something feels off.

Now, when it’s time to enter, don’t dive in like you’re docking a spaceship. Ease in. One inch at a time. Lube up (again and again), breathe with your partner, and treat the tip like a sacred offering.

The goal is to make it feel welcome, not invasive. That means constant check-ins. Watch their face, feel their body. Are they breathing deeply? Moaning? Or tensing like they’re holding in a tax audit? If it’s the latter, pause. Reconnect. Play somewhere else for a moment. Maybe stroke their nipples, kiss their neck, run your hands down their stomach.

Also (and this is important) a lot of people have this fear in the back of their mind that something awkward might happen. Reassure your partner. Normalize it. Let them know their body is not dirty, wrong, or something to hide. Pleasure thrives in safety.

And that vibe? It’s everything. Mood lighting, music, words of affirmation, set the damn tone. Because when the mind relaxes, the body follows.

Before you know it, the tension melts, the rhythm builds, and you're both in a state of slow, slippery bliss.

7. The Exit: Slow, Smooth, and Sexy 

Here’s the part no one talks about enough: pulling out is just as important as putting in. If you think the grand finale means jackhammer withdrawal and a sweaty high-five, think again. You’re not yanking a plug from the wall, you’re guiding a body through a very sensitive, very vulnerable transition.

Whether you finish inside or not (totally your call, just make sure it’s a pre-negotiated vibe), take. your. time. That beautiful backdoor you just spent all that time worshipping? It’s still adjusting, still pulsing, still riding the edge between sensation and release.

If you pull out fast, the body reacts and not in a good way. The sensation can mimic pooping, which is not the vibe we’re going for. Worse, it can cause pain or that “uh-oh” feeling that kills the mood fast.

So instead, pull out slowly. Breathe. Hold your partner. Let their body stay soft and supported as you slide out inch by inch. That slow withdrawal can actually feel amazing, like a reverse wave of release, especially if their body’s still riding the aftershocks.

Think of it as the closing note of a song: go out on a gentle, sensual chord, not a record scratch. You’re helping your partner come back into their body after a deeply intimate experience.

That’s a Wrap (or a Lube-Covered Bow)

So... are you ready to explore the art of anal with your partner? Whether you're nervously curious or already have a few backdoor badges of honor, what matters most is that you’re showing up with intention, communication, and a hell yes attitude.

If you're a newbie, take your time. Re-read this guide with a glass of wine and your lube bottle in hand. If you're already a seasoned pro? Then baby, it’s time to get creative. Why not check out our list of the hottest places to have sex and take your anal adventures out of the bedroom and into legend?

Now go light that candle, grab the good lube, and treat that booty like the VIP it is. You earned it.